And while I'm on the subject . . .

I'm really disturbed by the sudden backlash against women's reproductive rights, both on the macro and micro levels. I'm concerned for our society, and I'm concerned for women's rights overall.

I'm also concerned for myself.

Let's say abortion is completely outlawed. No one can perform it anywhere. At all. Back-alley abortions may still exist, but who wants to endanger her life?

So, with this in mind, I am on birth control, as my husband and I have made a conscious choice to remain child-free. We love our friends' and family's children dearly, but we simply do not want to be parents ourselves. We've given this a lot of thought, and have come to this decision.

But let's say something goes wrong, as things do, from time to time. The birth control we're using fails in some way. And I find myself pregnant. And cannot have an abortion. But do not want children.

Yes, there's adoption. And adoption is great. There's my answer.

First though, let's think about who I am. I am 37 years old, in good health overall. I am married to my husband, and we have no other children. We are both gainfully employed, and we are both educated, successful adults. We're not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but we are comfortable enough. We pay our bills and we do fun things from time to time--we have some disposable income, in other words. While I enjoy my adult beverages, that's the end of it. I am not 16 years old. I am not homeless. I am not a drug addict. I am not unemployed. I am not a single mother, which means that I would not be struggling with the issues that may come from raising a child alone. I'm  not below the poverty line.

So, in other words, I'm a responsible adult who really has no reason NOT to have children. The only thing that keeps me from having them is that I don't want to be a mother.

With that in mind, let's say you, and society as a whole, hears that a person just like me has decided to give up her child for adoption. How does that sound? It makes me sound like a selfish monster, doesn't it? Sure, I didn't have an abortion, which some people would applaud, but I am a mother WHO GAVE UP HER OWN CHILD. The women who want to have children but can't will be horrified by my decision. They'd do ANYTHING to have a baby, after all, and here I am, pregnant . . . but I DON'T WANT IT? What is wrong with me? I'm just another mindless, soulless, pretentious, liberal yuppie who likes her toys and wine and vacations and car and clothes more than a precious gift from God.

And that doesn't even get into the issue that it would create with our families. Because we live 4 - 8 hours from every family member, I suppose it's conceivable that we could keep my pregnancy a secret before we gave the baby up for adoption. But if we didn't . . . I cannot imagine that our families would react to my decision very well. "You're giving up your own child? My grandchild/niece or nephew/cousin? How COULD you?" Before you think that you'd just do it and not care about what your family thought, if you were in my position, think about it. Really think about how your family would feel if one of their flesh-and-blood members was out there SOMEWHERE being raised by strangers. Do you seriously think they'd just shrug it off and say, "Your decision. Do what you want." Maybe they would. I don't know your family. But you don't know ours. And I can guarantee you that they would not like this.

So, realizing that I would become a pariah, a villain, I decide that I'll keep it.

And yes, I completely understand that there's a chance that I will receive the rush of maternal instinct and endorphins, and I will fall in love upon first sight and regret any thought I ever had about not having a baby. That is certainly a possibility, and I do not discount that. I know that many women who decide to give their children up for adoption are absolutely heartbroken when they actually have to go through with it, even when they are 100% sure that that is what they want to do, and that that is the best decision for everyone involved. Many women who give their children up for adoption spend some time, if not their entire lives, regretting their decision and wondering if they did the right thing, if they shouldn't have just TRIED . . .

With that in mind, I know that there's a chance, in this hypothetical situation, that I would not choose adoption, and that I would keep my child, and be thrilled that I did.

But maybe I won't. I know that I am not in love with every baby I see, and I know that I do not long for one. Furthermore, I know that I have trouble imagining being okay with having a child with serious disabilities or a substantial deformity. Again, yes, I'm a monster--but I'm a monster who knows herself. I know that I would have real trouble reconciling myself to the fact that I have a child that might not ever be able to tie his or her own shoes. That is one major reason I chose not to have children--because it takes a special person to have a child with disabilities, and I fear that I could not handle it. And I don't know that I'm that special. I don't think I am. They say "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." Well, I think that's complete bullshit. Because I see people struggling daily with what is dumped on them.

Lest we forget, there's another person in this scenario: my husband. He also knows that he does not want children. While there is a chance that he could fall instantly in love with our child, there's a chance that he might not. In that case, he very well could leave me, and the baby. Should that happen, I will suddenly find myself with half the income I had before, no husband to assist me with raising our child, and a child I may or may not want, that I was forced to have, and chose to keep due to societal pressure.

Yes, that is a great environment for a child. Definitely better than terminating a pregnancy at 6 weeks.

We are doing everything within our power to keep from getting pregnant, and we are considering maybe a permanent fix. For now, though, I like knowing that, if there is a true, real emergency, a huge mistake, I have an option that I can undertake, that no one ever has to know about. Society never has to see a perfectly healthy, capable women give up her child. My family never has to know what happened. I never have to worry about the "what if"s: what if I don't love it? What if my husband doesn't love it? What if there's something wrong? What if we can't do this?

I hope that my option never goes away. If it does, I suppose we'll both just get fixed. If the government still allows us to.